Just in case you've forgotten.

If you're looking for great writing, turn around. If you don't have a preference, here is my mind spit up from a couple months ago concerning some points I've noticed about relationships. Recently, anyway. And needed a reminder of.

1)   Relationships are messy. Relationships come in and out like the tide. One moment you are curious, one moment you are in love, one moment you are betrayed. Relationships change and ebb and flow, never remaining the same. Bahhaaa, can you even count on anything? That leads me to point 2.

2)  The only person you can really count on is the Lord. Not saying that I understand everything (if anything) about God, but He is the only one who is consistent. Even If you think people are “there for you”, and they very well may be, there are emotional needs you have that they can’t fill. You will always exist with an underlying dissatisfaction if God’s love isn't what you count on. Because guess what, people are failures.

3) When love does exist, it’s the most beautiful thing there is. I understand that my writing sounds like a 12 year old at the moment. At this point, I honestly feel a sense of simplicity that I wouldn't employ if I was presenting for an academic think tank. Main message being: when you are allowed to be free within a relationship, love does some things for you that can mend a lot of hurt.

4) Hugs are important. Massages are important. Warm blankets are important. Hot soup is important. Taking naps is important. Kissing is important. Writing letters is important. And cleaning up your dishes and not leaving them on the sink is important. These are issues of personal health that must never be ignored.

5) Holding babies is therapeutic. Babies are reliant upon other people for everything. Even if you are at your most broken, you are still capable of caring of someone else who needs you.

6) The best blessings come as surprises. A disposition of gratitude gives a sweetness to life that is 

irreplaceable. Honestly, I can’t express how wonderful some people have been to me along this terrifying journey. I could never asked for them. I could never imagined them. And the level of commitment and adoption they have shown to me is so undeserved, and makes me feel so cherished. The love of God is displayed and distributed through his children.

7) Music is ridiculously strong love language that I've overlooked for some reason. Fun fact: to men especially. (Biology things).

8) Men are idiots. Extremely lovable ones, but idiots all the same ;)

9) Women need affirmation of truth. Because lies spread faster and hotter than truth, and in moments of dependence and nativity, there needs to be a strong, trustworthy voice that reminds her of what a good decision actually is.

10) Accountability is real thing and a real necessary thing. What this has meant to me is that relationships in which neither party ever asks anything from the other suck. And I don’t mean in a way that the relationship is so demanding that it kills the souls of both parties. I just mean that there’s the established nature where each one wants to help the other. So when I really need something, you want to try to give it. And when you really need something, I want to be there to give it. Why is this social exchange seemingly so hard to come by? Yikes. We need help.

11)  Jealousy makes nothing better, and is only an internal sickness. Jealousy hurts the one who is jealous, and SOMETIMES an external party. It eats the inside away a lot faster than whatever caused it in the first place, though.

12) Solitude is okay. It’s also necessary. Relationships are needed and good and wonderful. …solitude is also a lifeline. Solitude can be oxygen in a loud and chaotic world. Solitude allows you to connect with the creator who is always the one to count on.

13) Love hurts. Desperately. Expectations will be too high and you will get broken. Brokenness isn't easy nor fun. But life is worth the hurt, so pursue being alive. And pursue being free from chains of oppression. Love radically and recklessly, let go of what holds you down. Just be ready to hit the bottom, because the bottom comes.

14) Every time you think you’re too far gone, He is there to remind you that you’re His. And tomorrow is a new day.

Redefine

How am I supposed to figure things out when the world holds all the cards?

People ask how I'm doing, or what they can pray for me about. That's all really nice,and I appreciate every one of these people from the depth of my soul. In response I tell them that life is crazy but I'm loving it, or that things are hard but spring break is soon. Sometimes I'll tell them a story about an exam from that day or weird anecdote from a professor.

These things are true, but when I'm by myself I think different things. I become more... demanding in my search for an answer the question of, "how am I?" ..

I will let you know how I am when life stops spinning at 75 mph. When is there a moment to feel okay? Is there any time to feel content? Any afternoon where I can sit in reflection absolutely guilt-free? No! Are you crazy?!

I've spent a nice portion of my existence feeling naive. My house was a place of filled love, comfort, and safety... and protection from the big bad world. How wonderfully blessed I have been; not deserving at all on my own. But this meant for a lot of learning in a public school. A lot of learning in the city. Shocked glances and nervous stammers... sitting quietly at a cafeteria table. Let me tell you, I hated not knowing. Even today I attempt to stand boldly in conversations where the other party has a clear home team advantage. I want the playing field to be even, and I certainly don't want you using your information against me.

So as far as figuring out my life? I have no clue where to head next... while it seems like everybody else does. It seems like everyone else and their mother and their mothers' super successful friends who are senators, surgeons, and new age theorists have an EXACT idea of what this life means, while I sit here in a plan where all bets are off. How do you decide what to make of your only life when the world seems limitless? Not only is it limitless, but you're supposed to willingly try to fight its evils while it jeers at you, holding out it's boxing-gloved fists.

It's even the mere desire to have a plan that's annoying. Part of me wants to call it quits. I won't need to figure out who I am if I wait tables at a beach-side restaurant in Oahu. That would be good enough, I think. Then I wouldn't have to worry about philosophies, interviews, school debts and theological debates. I wouldn't have to search my heart as I attempt to heal pain, I wouldn't have to listen and heed the charges to fight to make better lives for others. I'll just disappear from what I know altogether, concentrating on attaining a master tan and perfectly highlighted hair... However, in these flippant fantasies I still can't remove the image cemented into my mind. It's me carrying a blond six-year-old from last summer. Carrying her little heart. Oh right, I think. There's a reason I care about what is happening here. People like that spunky babygirl keep my feet on the ground.

God takes care of us, and he takes care of me. I know that. It's not the relational aspect that I don't understand. It's how to interact with the world in which we've been placed. I want to know that I am acting fully and well in a world where I know how to reach out to the man that is homeless on S. Wacker. Living powerfully and not caring to climb the ladder of the elites who dine before the opera. What a constant paradox we balance, that exceeds social order and class systems, family legacies and physical limitations; how to interact with a limited world in a person-hood created by Yahweh, the divine?

So, dear merciless world, who seems to have everything figured out. With your Ted Talks and wildly successful black markets, prized art, genetically modified foods, and talk show hosts who seem to know it all, just give me a frickin' break. I will probably need help finding the subway. I will probably buy enough frappucinos to equal the fabricated value of eight Louis Vuitton bags, and fluster over my words as I try to reach my new neighbor with the story of Jesus that demands our attention. Just don't laugh at my need to be taught, and if you could, PLEASE, slow the heck down.

Secrets

You know the popular quote, "Not all who wander are lost"? It's a nice quote, and a reassuring quote. Although for myself it's a laughable quote.

First of all, I'm not wandering. There is no lily-filled field in which I am gallivanting  (This is my initial image of "wander"?) I am not thoughtfully walking down London streets, chilly in my pea coat but deciding to stop into a cozy cafe I pass by.  I am not on top of Austria, arms outstretched singing "The hills are alive" with no place to go. These seem to be appropriate pictures of "wander".

I am frantic. This isn't cute. Deadlines are neglected and calls go un-made. Meetings procrastinated and my bed loved in a way that is not for its own good. My bed, I fear, will begin to feel separation anxiety. (Or maybe that is myself...hm.) Either way, life is not one happy fast track. Life is six-zillion tracks and I cannot stay on any. I am left with a scrunched up face. Frustration. Fists clenched. Hair busy as a crows nest in very decided chunks.

Lost doesn't look lovely, at the moment.

What do you do, when you're expected to know what you're doing? Come on, at this school, everyone seems to be conquering the world simultaneously. History homework? You got it. Relationship advice? Mastery. Serving the Lord in Uzbekistan? Did it last summer. It was awesome, by the way. I met my soul mate and got a baller tan. People haven't said that since 2006...

When I get to this state of lost I simply give up. I fall, seriously fall, beside my bed and lay on the floor. My roommate is used to weirdo behavior. But where else do you end up when you actually feel low? I just feel low.

Happy New Year.

Isaiah 62:1-2:

For the sake of Zion I will not be silent; for the sake of Jerusalem I will not be quiet, until her vindication shines brightly and her deliverance burns like a torch. Nations will see your vindication, and all kings your splendor. You will be called by a new name that the Lord himself will give you. 

This part happens after God brings Israel back to himself. After he announces to the whole earth, "Look! Your deliverer comes." People will notice a change. And the Lord will give them a new name.

I want a new name.

---

I am... weary of the "me" I have become. As for 2013, 2014, or flipping 2049, I want to praise the Lord for deliverance that burns like a torch. I want to see the way he overcomes the craziness of the lost ones, and brings us back to him. Waiting until the next adventure, the next summer... doesn't seem like an option. Change must happen, now.

A new name.

Struggle

You are beautifully and wonderfully made.

Just so you know, just in case you forgot. If you feel like your language doesn't match anyone else's. If you are better friends with your therapist than your roommate.

Don't forget, He hears you.

In conversations with people, I have figured out fairly well how to read how the conversation is going. One little note I have realized is that people are great listeners, and will react quite well to any sort of news that seems kind of.. ehm.. sticky... if you have a nice bow to wrap around it at the end.

Like, once upon a time, I was a drug addict. I was lost then, but now, I am completely clean and want to devote my life to becoming the preschool teacher I can be. *cue applause and hallelujahs*. Or, last semester I did really badly in my classes. I was all over the place and ended up getting  a D in calculus. But NOW I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and not only got Peter Parker's spidey sense, but also his remarkable intelligence.

Love appears to be unconditional sometimes, but the truth of the matter is, it's just so hard for people to see beyond themselves. Even if I struggle to combat the judgement that threatens to capture my psyche, sometimes it's just too strong, and I've already commit the 22nd selfish act of the day.

This is not all about how I think I walk around with a giant plank in my eye most of the time. I think a lot of it comes from, yeah thanks for listening, but what about that huge plank in yours??

Sometimes I feel as if I'm an example for what not to do, like only the "Before" picture of grace, like there's sticky notes that decorate my forehead, arms, torso. They read: "stuck up, lazy, inconsiderate, insecure, impatient, foolish, brash"

And anyone is more than willing to walk up and take off one of those sticky notes. They're more than willing to smile sweetly and say, "This was you before, but now I'm pointing out to you that you have this, so you won't do it ever again." It's then crumbled in their fingers and free from you forever. We then hug in good Christian love and my halo is back in it's rightful place.

The problem here is, sometimes the sticky note just... stays.

Sometimes, combating selfish attitudes and sin isn't just as easy as realizing it. There is a reason we practice things. Say it's like,  if someone walks up to me on a basketball court and says, "Anna, you didn't make that 3 pt. shot. You're welcome." Then I would attempt another shot, and of course, miss. As if they came around again in frustration."Why are you still not making that shot when I just told you that you were missing it?"

Acknowledgement does not equal mastery. Sin is a struggle. To overcome takes time. Just because you've taken eight personality tests and they all point out the same problems doesn't mean that you should be expected to wake up differently the next day.


I apologize is this has become sort of a rant. I just wanted you to know, and myself to know, that it's okay.

Especially for those of us in a Christian context where honesty and DTRs are valued above all else in relationships. Yes, honesty is good, yes, transparency and vulnerability are great avenues for hearts to move closer together. However, you have a beautiful, beautiful heart, and it deserves to be handled with care.

There's junk in all of ours, but please, let's not let anyone make us feel like the junk part is by any means prominent. Jesus has saved us from unrighteousness, and sees us as whole before him.

All I know is that I want to look into the mirror and know that I have a soul that's cherished by the Lord. That he sees me and delights in me. That he enjoys being together.


I don't know where you are, but don't forget to remember that. And please, maybe instead of trying to take people's sticky notes for them, just tell them that they're beautifully and wonderfully made.

I Know You.